Who kicks ass?!

I DO I DO!!!! Sarah got offered a job today!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!

So.. its Saturday... I'm headed to New Haven this evening with some friends!

My week in review... IT SUCKED.

That's ok though... I'm learning A LOT about everything... people around me, about myself, about life in general. I can see myself coming into a good place... and I have a lot of people to thank for that.

I'm not quite there yet... but well on my way. So that's my thought for today...

If you're in New Haven tonight, i'll be at Partners by 10!

My friend, Captain Random

Hello Captain Random,

just wanted to say... keep your head up... the stress will soon be over... just think of the world of possibility just ahead of you! SMILE!

When in doubt.. turn to Linkin Park...

"Breaking the Habit:

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this
I’ll never be alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where to take a minute to look at your life and you can't help but think "how did my life get this out of control?"

Here I am at 26 and desperately wanting a "do-over" I have been many places and experienced many things in my 26 years and it seems like everything I ever learned along the way I have just completely thrown out the window in the last 4 months.

I have walked away from people that meant the world to me. I have clung to people that simply act like children. I have met people and just been so consumed in the bullshit that I have completely done wrong by them.

People that have been absolutely wonderful to me and have shown me a different view of the world and of life... and I have acted like a fool.

It took some harsh words from a couple of different people to finally wake my ass up. But trust me... I'm wide awake!

I truly am on the verge of starting a completely new life. New job... no relationship to distract me... old friends back in my life that know the REAL me... developing a relationship with my family that never existed before... taking strides to complete my life's biggest accomplishment and actually planning to do it!

I know I have been wrong... and I have been a jerk... but I have always cared. That never went away... it just didn't always happen the way it should.

Ok, my dad is making dinner for his "girls" tonight. So I have to go pick up some clam chowder.

All I ask to anyone who reads this.. because if you are, then you probably play an active role in my life... please don't let me fuck up again. I'll need some help through all of this... not much because its all on me... but some. At the very least.. support. Ok... off into the cold.

Today has been very telling!!!

I went through the entire gammut of emotions today. I have come out at the end here... I went for a long drive today to get away. I found myself in one of the most peaceful places that I could find. It was absolutely freezing, but it felt good to be there... away from everything and everyone and what was better was that no one had any clue where I was. I sat there for a while and just wrote. I'm writing a lot again. I suppose its a better way to deal with all the crap going on in my life as of late than some of the other things I have either partaken in or thought about...

I need to start taking care of Sarah. I need to start finding the things that make me feel good and make me happy and start focusing on them. Because I honestly believe that if I can find those things and hold on to them and soak them up as much as I can, then I will find myself again. It is in both happiness and sadness that we find who we truly are. I have had enough sadness in my life over the past few months... I'm pretty secure with who I am in that state... I need to get back the person that I am when I am happy. I need to find her again. She's been missing for quite some time. I miss her.

What's funny is that this weekend really really made me start to realize that the people I have been devoting so much of my time to recently... they think they know me, but they dont... not even close. I have people that have seen me at all states in my life. THOSE people know me... know the real me. These people have only been introduced to a very small portion of who I am. Yet... they seem to think they know everything...

There is probably only one person that I have met since I've been back that has come the closest to seeing the real me... I am deeply grateful to her for being so great to me in the very short time that we have known eachother (yes... Captain Random... you)

This entire weekend has just really made me think about a lot of things. I kept finding myself saying last night and today "I just want to go home" Home... being CT. Because being there and seeing everyone and being completely removed from the scene here, made me realize how homesick I am for CT. My friends are there... the people that have become my family... my life was there... I just miss the simplicity of it all. Oh well... such is life.

I'm here now... all I can do is start to prioritize my life a little better. It's time to take care of ME. I spoke to my cousin the other day and we were briefly talking about my recent "situation" and she's like "ok Sa... here's your next course of action... First... new job. Second... move the hell out of there. Third... paper. Four... relationship (maybe). She's right. I have not been prioritizing my life the way that I should be. So... I'm starting now.

I will mourn for the people that I am losing, but I really do think its for the best. That is not to say that once I have my shit together, I can see where everyone is... but for now... its time for me.

For the CT people reading this... this weekend really did make me realize how much I so sincerely miss you all. It was nice to be "home" for a short while. I will be back more often. I can promise you that. I am happy there... I feel good there... you all mean a great deal to me and just know that you are in my heart and never leave my thoughts. I adore each and every one of you.

With that said... I am going to head to bed. I have an interview tomorrow!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck. G'night

Pardon Me...

Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
And thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Never be the same...yeah.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Pardon me, never be the same. Yeah

Some thoughts...

You know when you think you've got your life figured out and then a curve ball comes and throws it all out of whack?

Yeah... I'm not there... I've been getting curve balls for a while now... but I know someone who is.

I know my life is all out of whack and has been for quite some time, but that's another story all within itself. However, I hate to see the people around me that I truly care for going about their lives, making strides towards happiness and fulfillment and then seeing them all of a sudden hit a brick wall. It breaks my heart.

I think it partially breaks my heart because I dont like to see the confusion and hurt that overcomes them and it certainly breaks my heart because I know that there is nothing I can do for them. I so wish I had supreme power so I could just snap my fingers and make everything better for everyone I care about... forget me... my happiness will come in time. This I am certain of... but I want to make it better for those people who make me think and make me feel and do a world of good for me.

So for that one person who is going through this... you know who you are... hang in there. It will get better for you. Just think of the world of possibility that you're about to embark on.... you'll always be on the minds and in the hearts of those you've touched along the way.

Anonymous Comments

I love when people are so cool that they can't login and post comments under their own name.

Now, I will not take the anonymous feature off my blog because I know of a few select people who have no choice but to leave anonymous comments, but I also know exactly who those people are...

So... seriously, if you have something to say... then buck up and be an adult and say what you have to say rather than hiding behind the anonymous name.

Apples...

I had a lengthy discussion one night with a friend of mine and we were comparing women to apples.

She said to me "I dont understand how being a woman myself, I simply don't get women... its like an apple not understanding another apple" Oh how right my wise friend is...

Apples... *shakes head*

Oh but how I love apples... you can't do anything but laugh...

Life is just so damn interesting...

On a happier note... I have an interview on Monday (yay... happy dance). Its up in Quincy. Its through a friend of the family... not sure how it will play out, but I'm excited for it. Lets hope this is the beginning of some positive change.

I'd really like to give people good news for once! I'm ready for my leaf to turn. I think this side has pretty much taken about as much as it will... lol... NEXT!

Dabris...

I have one thing to say to you.... to who?... to YOU my friend...

SSSSSCCCCCCRRRRRAAAAAAATTTTTTTCCCCCCHHHHHHH!!!

Saturday!!!!

Ok my wonderful CT friends... (i address you in this blog because you're the majority of people who read this)

Who's coming with me to Lucy on Saturday? Ahhh... nights back out in CT... *sentimental sigh* LOL...

Seriously though, how often do I get to come back and go out I mean really... I better see my girls there!

AAANNNDDDDD... I dont wanna hear this crap like "Oh, i live in Yonkers now, its so far blah blah blah" BECAUSE THAT IS BULL! I am coming from PROVIDENCE!

Ok.. that's my rant for the afternoon... Its time for this kid to finally have some fun!

For Captain Random

For as long as I live.. I will always remember the phrase... "Live Your Life"

Thank you...