Today has been very telling!!!

I went through the entire gammut of emotions today. I have come out at the end here... I went for a long drive today to get away. I found myself in one of the most peaceful places that I could find. It was absolutely freezing, but it felt good to be there... away from everything and everyone and what was better was that no one had any clue where I was. I sat there for a while and just wrote. I'm writing a lot again. I suppose its a better way to deal with all the crap going on in my life as of late than some of the other things I have either partaken in or thought about...

I need to start taking care of Sarah. I need to start finding the things that make me feel good and make me happy and start focusing on them. Because I honestly believe that if I can find those things and hold on to them and soak them up as much as I can, then I will find myself again. It is in both happiness and sadness that we find who we truly are. I have had enough sadness in my life over the past few months... I'm pretty secure with who I am in that state... I need to get back the person that I am when I am happy. I need to find her again. She's been missing for quite some time. I miss her.

What's funny is that this weekend really really made me start to realize that the people I have been devoting so much of my time to recently... they think they know me, but they dont... not even close. I have people that have seen me at all states in my life. THOSE people know me... know the real me. These people have only been introduced to a very small portion of who I am. Yet... they seem to think they know everything...

There is probably only one person that I have met since I've been back that has come the closest to seeing the real me... I am deeply grateful to her for being so great to me in the very short time that we have known eachother (yes... Captain Random... you)

This entire weekend has just really made me think about a lot of things. I kept finding myself saying last night and today "I just want to go home" Home... being CT. Because being there and seeing everyone and being completely removed from the scene here, made me realize how homesick I am for CT. My friends are there... the people that have become my family... my life was there... I just miss the simplicity of it all. Oh well... such is life.

I'm here now... all I can do is start to prioritize my life a little better. It's time to take care of ME. I spoke to my cousin the other day and we were briefly talking about my recent "situation" and she's like "ok Sa... here's your next course of action... First... new job. Second... move the hell out of there. Third... paper. Four... relationship (maybe). She's right. I have not been prioritizing my life the way that I should be. So... I'm starting now.

I will mourn for the people that I am losing, but I really do think its for the best. That is not to say that once I have my shit together, I can see where everyone is... but for now... its time for me.

For the CT people reading this... this weekend really did make me realize how much I so sincerely miss you all. It was nice to be "home" for a short while. I will be back more often. I can promise you that. I am happy there... I feel good there... you all mean a great deal to me and just know that you are in my heart and never leave my thoughts. I adore each and every one of you.

With that said... I am going to head to bed. I have an interview tomorrow!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck. G'night